Bob Maistros A federal district court in California today declared the U.S. Constitution unconstitutional. Ruling in a suit brought by a coalition of groups representing gays, women, minorities, illegal aliens, the disabled, the disadvantaged, atheists, the elderly, the obese, left-handed individuals and the follicularly challenged, Judge Giada B. Kidding claimed that “the majoritarian impulses that permeate the basic document establishing our system of government represent a per se violation of the rights of the underrepresented.” Fuhgeddaboudit. Wrote Kidding, “The fact that under the current constitutional scheme, majorities or pluralities in various districts elect members of Congress, and majorities and pluralities in states select electors who in turn choose the President, virtually ensures that the personal preferences of voters as a whole will crowd out the rights of Plaintiffs and the individuals they represent.  This result is simply unacceptable in the 21 st century.” Kidding also criticized the role of elections in forming state and local governments and decried the increasing prevalence of state-level referenda allowing voters to enact laws directly, calling them “instruments of popular oppression.” Seemingly unperturbed by the fact that the groups bringing the suit, taken as a whole, actually represent a majority of Americans, Kidding held that the United States’ interest in self-government was not sufficient to override the “fundamental rights” of the various groups and individuals in question.  In particular, the jurist asserted that it was “unavoidable” that the majority’s moral viewpoints on issues ranging from social spending to immigration to abortion to homosexuality to pedophilia to murder would be reflected in the actions of legislators and executive branches at all levels. Referring approvingly to recent federal decisions overturning Proposition 8, California’s marriage amendment, the Defense of Marriage Act, the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” law barring the service of openly gay individuals in the military and Arizona’s law targeting illegal immigrants, Kidding opined, “The question before this court is whether a constitutional scheme can stand that will allow a majority of citizens, however composed, to impose their views of right and wrong on other Americans and residents, whether via direct votes or through their elected representatives at the local, state or federal levels.  It cannot.” Kidding ruled that the only feasible form of oversight over the machinery of government would be a self-propagating judiciary, “guided by continually evolving standards of justice and, of course, international law.” She directed Congress, before dissolving itself, to establish a new Convention charged with producing a temporary Constitution along these lines, which “the newly established and empowered judicial branch would be free to reinterpret on an ongoing basis without undue, unwelcome and unwarranted interference from voters and elected officials.” She added that because her order was essentially invalidating the current Constitutional system, no avenue for appeal would exist, and that she was executing the order on an exigent basis before the November elections “before the voters get any ideas.” In the meantime, Kidding ordered, “Everybody can do pretty much whatever the h#!! they want.”

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Breaking news: Constitution declared unconstitutional